From “The Human Condition: A User’s Manual,” by Arnold Kunst
18 February
Little Johnny Stories VII
Somewhere along the line little Johnny learned in the
College of Hard Knocks the value of the passive voice, an especially important
component in the bag of tricks of any guilt-prone kid, particularly one in a
Catholic school. He’s playing in a pick-up basetball game in the yard after
school when he hits a home run – a tremendous blast, over the fence and, unfortunately,
through one of the windows of the nuns’ convent. So he goes to the convent, and
when Sister Superior answers the door he says the following: “Sister, I’ve come
to ask for our baseball back. You see, one of your windows happened to get
broken by a ball that was hit by a bat that happened to be in my hands when the
bat was swung on the arrival of a beautiful pitch right down the middle.” When
Sister Superior is finished translating all that, one of her many reactions
will no doubt be a renewed appreciation for the deadening power of convoluted
sentences full to the brim with the passive voice.
Johnny is picking up some valuable lifeskills!
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