“My luck is so bad, if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying!” – Anonymous

From “The Human Condition: A User’s Manual,” by Arnold Kunst

11 December

Little Johnny Stories IX

Life can be harsh, even for a cutesy little kid. I lived in the British Isles during the 1970’s. I remember a program on BBC TV called “Opportunity Knocks!” It was a folksy, small-potatoes precursor of “America’s Got Talent,” a variety show with singers, comedians, jugglers and so on all competing to win first place. First place went to the act that got the most post-card write-in votes [this was before the age of Twitter, or e-mail; it was even before the age of 1-800 phone calls!]. The prize was, like, a few hundred pounds, the chance to compete next week [to a maximum of four weeks] and of course a lot of national exposure.

I remember one week when little Johnny got introduced. He was 5 years old and, like, three-feet ziltch. He was going to play Chopin’s Minute Waltz on the piano. Well, the MC made a big deal out of this huge stopwatch they set up near the piano. He also pointed out the two London phone books stacked on the piano bench. Everybody clapped like crazy and said “Ooh!” and “Ahh” as little Johnny came out. He bowed awkwardly, but as he climbed up on top of those phone books, somehow his left elbow managed to come down on the bottom end of that keyboard.

We were all shocked by this freak accident. Nobody was more shocked than little Johnny who climbed back down and said, “I didn’t mean to do that. You see, I was climbing up on the piano bench and my elbow hit those notes by accident. I can play the Minute Waltz really well, and I can do it in less than a minute. I want you all to forget that mistake. Please, just forget that mistake!”

He then played the piece perfectly, and, according to the stopwatch in the corner of the screen, in 57 seconds flat. At the end of the program all the contestants would do a little bit to remind the audience whom to vote for. My guess is, when they got to little Johnny everyone out there in TV-land thought something like this: “he was cute, and played really well; too bad about that mistake at the beginning, but I think I’ll vote for this other act.”

In short, two things happened: everyone remembered the very thing Johnny told them to forget; and, when all the dust settled, the only vote he got was his mother’s.

Is life a bummer, or what?